Hey hey hey. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Whether you care or not.

You’ve seen it. In shop windows, the red bouquets at Albert Heijn, in your inbox, on your phone, in overheard conversations between people pretending this isn’t a completely fabricated holiday powered by capitalism and last-minute panic. Suddenly, the world revolves around roses, teddy bears, heart-shaped objects, and chocolates no one actually wants.

We hate Valentine’s Day. And yet, somehow, we’re all involved. Whether you’re in love, almost in love, refusing to be in love, or aggressively single but still oddly invested. So instead of pretending we’re above it all, we decided to lean in and do what we do best: over-analyze and have a giggle.

Enter archetypes. Because dating is never just about the person in front of you. It’s about patterns. Roles. Familiar characters we keep meeting, loving, ghosting, or becoming ourselves. This is a guide for what to get the person you’re seeing, the person you wish you’d never met, the person you’re stuck in a six-month limbo with, or the person you realised was you after taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

At the end of the day, you are everyone you’ve ever loved, and everyone you know is probably a little bit of all of these. Consider this less a Valentine’s gift guide and more a possibly needed call-out (at the end of the day, you forge your own luck). For them. For you. For all of us.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Or whatever.

They know every late-night snack bar, every bartender, every shortcut home. Romantic in theory, reckless in practice. Leaves voice notes instead of texts. Disappears. Reappears. Always charming. Never yours. If you’re gifting a city Casanova, practicality is key: think damage control, recovery, and a little preventative care.

• STD home test kit – you never know
• LilySilk pillowcase – because they sleep everywhere 
• Selahatin mouth spray Eukalypse  – for the fresh breath
• Pineapple juice (someone pls tell us if this actually works) 
• Lelo Hex condoms – because good sex is safe sex
• Maison Rapito I Came Here to Drink and Fuck tee – in case they don’t get the hint
• Weleda skin food – to help with moustache/ carpet burn

Your part-time partner. Chances are, you aren’t their only Valentine. They thrive in ambiguity, dodge labels like landmines, and are deeply addicted to potential. The key here is gifting something that feels intimate but non-committal. High impact, low contractual obligation. 

• Byredo mixed emotions eau de parfum – on the nose literally 
• Apple Airtag – joke gift (not a joke) 
• POP hoodie – technically borrowable. Realistically stolen. 
• Bell Hooks “All About Love” – best read before the next “what are we?” conversation
• Carne Bollente “​​Sounds gay, I’m in” cap – so they can always leave your house incognito
•  A privacy screen protector – for obvious reasons 
• Valentinesday with Dollhouse Ranches at San Francisco 

They believe sex is an energetic exchange, not a physical one. This personn talks about frequency, nervous systems, soul ties, and will absolutely ask for your birth time before your last name. Deeply romantic in theory, devoted to transcendence in practice, and always halfway between ritual and real life. 

• Sitre 2% CBD intimacy oil 
• Moonjuice electrolytes – because you can go for hours 
• Lait de Choco chocolates – YES! APHRODESIAC! 
• Seletti Seikanti5271 Elongated set – you already know what dessert will be 😉 
• Bob Carlos Clarke’s “Shooting sex: The Definitive Guide to Undressing Beautiful Strangers” – we all love a good coffee table book 
• The School of Life “Pillow Talk” cards for intimate conversations – perfect for whispering sweet nothings to each other 
• Nue memoirs powder pink rose satin bra – oh so ethereal
• Communication skills 
• The Oh Collective Rose vibrator – the only flowers we want this valentine
• Valentine’s day at Stretch & Fold studio

They call their neighbourhood “up and coming” while complaining about the astronomical rent. Love their go-to natural wine bar more than people.  They do not have a real job but are always busy. Most likely an art director, creative director, creative strategist, and or content creator. The goal here is gifting something that reinforces their intentionally selected reality. Aesthetic, functional, and snobby done right. 

• Valentine’s Dinner at Stacks Diner – so sexy, so instagrammable   
• Les Filles – Gilles Berlioz natural wine via Sebonsa
• DJI Osmo pocket 3 camera – to send you vlogs from your date nights 
• Ray-Ban Wayfarer glasses – tried and true 
• Le Labo Violette 33 – the bathroom shelf needs to be perfectly curated and there is a new kid on the block 
• Acme classic cup – for the perfect flat white 
• ROA oatmilk –  asides the salted butter, dairy does not enter their home

They specialise in longing, emotional restraint, and staring out of windows like it’s a full-time joy. Love, to them, is something to endure, not necessarily resolve. The key is leaning into their inner world: gifts that validate the ache without trying to fix it. 

• Elliott Smith “Either / Or” vinyl – self-inflicted heartbreak for days
• Vintage tearcatcher bottle – save your tears literally  
• Screening “It’s Never Over, Jeff Buckley” at The Movies 
• Ocean Vuong “On Earth we’re briefly gorgeous”
• Wildflower Cupid Dot phone case – you and the god of desire & love against the world  
• Boy Smells Broken Rosary candle – for the nighttime manifestations 
• Valentine’s day screenings at De Uitkijk

They flirt during feedback sessions, sleep with classmates, curators, and unfortunately your ex, and call it “process”. Monogamy is a social construct until it isn’t working in their favour. No social media presence, yet somehow they know everyone and their mother. The trick here is giving something that feels practical and conceptually justified. If it couldn’t double as a prop, a tool, or an alibi, it’s not right.

• El Tony Mate – for the different type of caffeine kick 
• Handcuffs – don’t ask. It just makes sense
• MD Paper sketchbook via MISC – to draw you like one of their girls/boys 
• Gitti black nailpolish 
• Palo Santo – for conscience clearing purposes 
• Apple wired headphones – (un)fortunately they have great taste in music 
• 1927 Henley shirt long sleeve via Concrete Matter – uniform
• Ethan Lieutet Khnafo’s “Mouth wide open for valentine” opening at studio Takeover

For the person that will introduce you to the best art, cinema, and literature of your life … while ruining it (at least they give you something to write about). 

They have dangerous vocabulary and an even more dangerous taste level.  Will take you to a 3 hour film screening on a Tuesday, recommend a book that alters your brain chemistry, and then insult you mid-discussion about late stage capitalism. Just because they can articulate their trauma doesn’t mean they have processed it. 

They romanticise their own complexity, You romanticise them. It’s a cycle. 

• Our Legacy Camion boots 
• Herman Hesser “Der Steppenwolf” 
• VanMoof S6 – to avoid accountability at light speed 
• Oficine universelle moustache comb – it’s always the moustache 
• Minolta AF zoom 65 camera via Analogue – for capturing their “eye” now mostly used to build spreadsheets. Keeps the artistic alter ego alive while the corporate world slowly eats their soul. 
• Raf Simons F/W 2004 waves oversized black sweater via Laan – perfectly soft to wipe your tears with
• Giunia asymmetrical band ring
• Valentine’s dinner at murmur